Someone posted a bunch of these on Facebook today and I thought a lot of them were hilarious.
The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
Google really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
My 5-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?